How I Recovered from Depression I Didn’t Even Know I Had

Between 2016-2018, I was depressed.
REALLY depressed.
Nobody noticed… not even me.
Because I never had any thoughts of suicide, I didn’t know that it wasn’t okay to wake up sad every morning for “no reason.”
(Because I was oblivious to the reason.)
I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to just morph into an introvert who had no interest in social activities.
I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to feel like a prisoner at home.
I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to have zero control over 80% of your own money.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I’d lost myself.
The last several months as I’ve been slowly piecing my life back together, I’ve found me again.
I’m Caitlin.
IN A NUTSHELL… this is me.
I love interior design.
And exterior design.
I build awesome terrariums.
Especially turtles, cats, tigers, and cat-rabbit hybrid creatures (they exist)
I am silly. I love laughing and making people laugh.
I am VERY energetic — because I take very good care of myself.
I get a lot of things done quickly and efficiently.
I have an eye for style and color coordination.
I am very feminine; I love glitter and makeup. I love getting dressed up… but I also love loungewear. And being naked.
Feeling comfortable and safe is important to me.
I love dancing and singing.
I am a writer. I paint with words — poetry, nonfiction, fiction… all of it.
I am a great cook!!
This is not just someone I’ve become recently.
This is who I have ALWAYS been. I just didn’t know it… because I was allowing myself to be used as a tool in someone else’s shed.
Our lives are gifts from God. Whenever we give someone else control over it …
>> control over our perception of reality
>> control over our finances
>> control over our schedule
>> control over our vacations
>> control over our businesses
>> control over our bodies
… we allow someone else to steer the ship of our lives.
We put our LIVES in someone else’s hands.
Because someone taught us we could not trust ourselves.
We can trust our own intuition. We can trust that “still, small voice” in our minds — it is the voice of GOD, not evidence of a false reality for which you should be locked away.
Hearing the voice of God in your mind is evidence you have received the ultimate gift (besides salvation) — the gift of the Holy Spirit.
In the Bible, it says God decides who receives this gift. It is a lie that we all automatically receive it when we are baptized or just say a prayer.
The Holy Spirit gives you access to the 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit — some of them and possibly all of them, if God chooses.
The gifts are:
1) wisdom: illuminates the mind and instills an attraction to the divine (GOD).
2) understanding: can grasp and relate all truths to one’s supernatural purpose.
3) supernatural intuition (“counsel”): enables us to judge promptly and rightly, especially in difficult situations
4) courage/endurance: a willingness to stand up for what is right in the sight of God, even if it means accepting rejection, verbal abuse, or physical harm.
5) knowledge (allows us to see things from God’s perspective as much as humanly possible)
6) reverence: total reliance on God. Causes us to come before God with humility, trust, and love.
7) fear of the Lord: this is not fear as we normally define it. It is a joyful, immensely grateful awareness of the glory and majesty of God. It is HOPE.
People who do not believe in the spiritual world are quick to dismiss and condemn those who do believe in the spiritual world as being “schizophrenic” or “psychotic.”
When someone you know is experiencing profound joy, and your first thought is that something is wrong… something is wrong with YOU 🙂
Back in October, I experienced a PROFOUND JOY and EMOTIONAL FREEDOM for the first time in many years of depression as a result of a lifetime of psychological abuse and gaslighting.
A few weeks prior, the door to the prison I was living in had swung open…
… and suddenly, I was free.
Free to be me.
I will never have to live in a psychological prison ever again.
I know what depression feels like now; I never have to feel that way again.
I went from someone who, just a year ago, believed God hated her because she was so miserable in her life.
I didn’t know I was being abused and gaslighted by so many people.
EVERYTHING I did was a struggle because I had to get approval from someone before I was allowed to do anything.
I wasn’t free. I was a captive.
And God…
It still blows my mind the ways God has shown up for me in the last six months alone. He showed me how he removed my understanding temporarily so I wouldn’t feel as much pain. He waited until just the right time to turn on my understanding again — so I would feel as little pain as possible.
He doesn’t *want* us to feel pain. Pain is a part of EARTHLY life… and there is a purpose for it.
There is a reason we’re all here.
So never give up.
Fight for what is right. Fight for yourself. You do not need permission to lead a BIG, joyful, hilarious, and FUN life.
The life you want for yourself is nothing compared to the life God has planned for ALL of us — and I’m not even talking about life on Earth <3
Heaven, friends… is a state of consciousness.
Not a place somewhere in the universe labeled “God’s Place.”
The Kingdom of God… is the ENTIRE universe.
Far beyond our pale blue dot.
What we call “Heaven” is simply true life — and it is experienced not by a physical body but by a soul.
We are not our bodies… we are souls having a human experience inside temporary physical bodies.
… and that’s all I have to say about that <3


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